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What If…

When your hubby is on the police force (or in the military or any other dangerous job out there), there are a lot of “what ifs” that can run through your mind.  I know I’m not supposed to go there, but sometimes, those dark thoughts creep in anyway.  That darkness can quickly spiral out of control.

What if… something happened to him and I suddenly found myself raising our daughter alone?

What if… Loralai had to grow up without her dad?

What if… every plan I’d made for my life suddenly faded to a distant memory and I had to start over?

On Friday, JD served a search warrant at a known drug/gang house in his district.  The SWAT team did the heavy work, but it was JD’s warrant, so he was there, and the whole situation made me extremely nervous.  Honestly, that type of work is not the most dangerous thing they do, because if you’re raiding a house, you have the element of surprise on your side.  Traffic stops where you don’t know what someone might have in their car or a domestic where people are violent and amped up are two of the worst things they do, but raiding the house of gang members is by no means “safe” either.

I knew the time the raid was supposed to start, and as the minutes ticked by while I waited to hear from him, I got progressively more nervous.  In his line of work “no news is good news,” but it doesn’t prevent those “what ifs” from creeping into your mind.

What if… something went seriously wrong and JD got caught in the line of fire?

What if… the receptionist calls me to the front desk and there’s a captain and chaplain waiting for me?

What if… I had to be the one to tell his family?

I made myself stop, take a breath, and not worry about something that hadn’t even happened.  No news is good news.  If it’s taking a while, hopefully that means they got something good in the raid.

He called an hour or so later; he was tired, but safe.  I let out a sigh of relief and looked forward to a weekend together, no danger, no what ifs.

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4 thoughts on “What If…

  1. Woo – I would be thinking what if in that situation too. I always tell Jonathan that I don’t want to know what’s going on until later when he is safe at home. My day is a lot more peaceful when I’m blissfully ignorant to the danger he faces.

  2. I have thought “what if” when I am taking a bath with our daughter or feeding her and staring at her precious little face at night. I try not to think about it and make the most out of every day. If something did happen it is out of my control so I refuse to waste time thinking about it. I admit, when he irritates me, I often stop and think, “I should be grateful that he is here because if he wasn’t here to make me mad, I would give anything to have it back.”

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